Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
