The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
