I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
