On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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