He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
