Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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