my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
