i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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