I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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