Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
