so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
