Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize