i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
