MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
