Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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