her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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