I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
