Moan for me like Helen Keller
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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