I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
