The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
