he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize