I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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