Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
