Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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