I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
