Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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