She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
