You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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