Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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