i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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