he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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