break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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