every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
