I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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