Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Sorry about my life...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
