how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
