So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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