i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
