So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
