I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
