Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
