i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you will always have a special place in my vag
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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