It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize