I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize