A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
