You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
