how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
well, you know. whores of a feather.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
