I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
