I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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