Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
