So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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