Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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