He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i've created a new STD.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
