don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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