Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
