Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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