Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
